“My daughter now only eats ‘clean cooking’ – and insults mine”

How do I respect her deeply held beliefs while maintaining my dignity and the dignity of my food?

On the terrible life events scale, this probably rates less than a 1, but I’d still appreciate some pointers because, frankly, my last nerve has been hit. My 17 year old daughter has recently embraced “clean eating”. This wasn’t my first rodeo, I went along with it. In fact, if I do say so myself, I’ve been pretty weird, giving her free rein in the kitchen and even considered remortgaging the house to pay for her organic produce.

But I’m struggling with hearing my cooking slandered. Telling my other children that the food I am serving is poison and filled with toxins is a boundary. Just so you understand the magnitude of the issue – we went from absolutely needing 9×13 potato kugels on Erev Shabbos to a mini loaf pan for my husband, who has remained steadfast and faithful to me (and my kugel).

How do I respect her deeply held beliefs while maintaining my dignity and the dignity of my food?

YI had ears before a wise supervisor who referred to difficult situations and failures as RLE: Rich Learning Experiences. I believe your dilemma is such an example of an RLE. Hashem has provided you with a rich opportunity to teach your daughter and other children about the proper way to disagree.

You can teach them about respectful dialogue, about discussing ideas without belittling them, about the relative value of objects and ideas, and that few things in life are black and white. Your kitchen has become a laboratory in which we can study the art of mutual respect, although we love some ideas. This is a chance to talk about gratitude, to explain that we can appreciate what we have and what people do for us even when things aren’t exactly how we want them to be.

Looks like it’s time for a conversation about mutual respect. It might surprise her to hear that you don’t necessarily think “clean eating” is the be-all and end-all, but that you’re supporting her because it’s important to her. Let him know that you would like that respect in return, as your home is one that is run with respect.

And if all else fails, give her the apron and tell her she’s welcome to cook all the meals for the family from here on out while you quietly sip your Slurpee on the deck.

When I got married a few months ago, my sisters told me that the elder sister expects frequent calls. I was a good girl and called as often as I could, until I realized I really didn’t like these calls, which were basically Big Sister monologues about everything under the sun, from unsolicited home and marriage advice to to updates on everything that happens. in her life, along with her strong opinions about what everyone she knew was doing wrong. I barely got a word in edgewise.

So I started calling less often. Now, I call him once every two weeks, when I know I have the patience and space to listen to him for an hour. Now I have become one of the people she complains about to my mom and sisters and she accuses me of being cold and cutting her out of my life. How can I explain that my idea of ​​a healthy sisterly relationship is not the same as her idea? Or should I go back to frequent calls to keep calm?

Llet’s discuss this “peace” you speak of. The Chofetz Chaim elaborates on the halacha that allows telling a white lie for the sake of peace, citing the pasuk “Midvar sheker tirchak – Distance yourself from sugar, lies.” He explains that machlokes is sugar. While one cannot tell an outright lie, if one shirks the truth in order to avoid machloke, one is actually acting in the true definition of emes.

I guess I’m wondering what part of complaining about others, talking down to them, and just general negativity qualifies as bringing more peace to the world.

Old roles die hard and growth does not guarantee growth. I wonder if this dynamic is as old as your family. It’s as if your sisters have choreographed a dance with Oldest Sister in the middle of the circle, deciding at every moment who will be allowed into the inner circle and who won’t. I don’t know if this is a role she has played forever, but sometimes stepping out of the circle and into a new one (your marriage) allows you a whole new perspective. And what looked like a nice cha-cha-cha can suddenly feel like a lot of people in heels spinning around each other — or worse, stepping on each other.

With the gift of your perspective comes the responsibility to make a conscious and healthy choice that is best for you and your new family. They (he) are your new priority. How are you getting off the phone with big sister? Are you in the kind of positive mental attitude you want to fill your home with? Do you feel energized and motivated to see the good in everyone, including your new husband? Or quite the opposite?

So I thought.

We must redefine peace. It’s not just a lack of conflict; means a place of shleimus. The current dynamic does not support wholeness or health – neither in you nor in your family. Nobody likes a troublemaker—there’s a reason you’ve been a “good girl” for so long—but it takes a lot of courage to initiate change and rock the boat when the ship is sailing along a negative current. The day you learn that it’s okay if not everyone is happy with you all the time is the day you become free to truly do ratzon Hashem.

I am not advocating causing a seismic shift and huge dramatic ripples in the family system. I’m talking about quietly and consistently standing by your values ​​and living gently within the boundaries you seem to intuitively own—and then relying on your inner strength when you return. Older sister may not like it. It’s okay.

No one else seems to know it’s okay. They’re all still living by the unwritten code of family law that says it’s not okay to dislike Older Sister (or maybe anyone at all, for that matter, I don’t know, I haven’t seen the book of codes). But I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to gently stop unhealthy behaviors. It’s okay to believe that you and your family are capable of holding each other to a higher standard. I don’t know enough about the full dynamic, but maybe you can be an agent of change by asking your sisters to respond neutrally the next time your older sister complains about you. “I really don’t feel comfortable talking about Chan. If you’re upset with him, maybe talk to him directly.”

In this great concern lies the equal and opposite potential for true peace. Wishing you the strength to pursue it and the peace of mind to know that doing the right thing is being a “good girl”.

I was recently talking to my mom about my younger brother, who is starting shidduchim, and she was going on about the kind of girl that would suit a bochur of his stature. My younger brother trusts me a lot and I think my mother would be very surprised if she knew where he was really keeping it. Is it my job to fix her view?

YOur job is to encourage your brother to have a more open conversation with his mother about where he really stands. For everyone’s sake.

And don’t be surprised if your mom isn’t as naive as she pretends to be when she talks about her precious son.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, guided dating coach, and certified Master Mentor.

Have a question or scenario where you want Sarah’s insight and perspective? Now we are talking! Send your questions to familyfirst@mishpacha.com. This column will appear monthly.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 900)